Disclaimer: This is the first post of its kind, So I really have no idea what I’m doing. Enjoy. In addition, this is all for the humour. We don’t actually believe all of the stuff in this column is trash.
What it do peoples, Gurtoozy here. The squad here at RLGT thought it would be a good idea for us to have a weekly column where we roast the heck out of some shits for your enjoyment. Ya boy was ecstatic when he heard this news, because basically ya boys life revolves around roasting the heck out of shits. Welcome to “Why Random Things Are Trash”.
Before we start, below is a quick a index of my most common vernacular:
“Ya boy” – Myself, yourself, anyone in the world.
Now to kick it off for this inaugural week, ya boy was quite unsure of what to talk about. Justin bibbers penis would have been too EZ, plus his dad already posted this more than cringe-worthy tweet
Cringey shits fam…
Now onto the real topic of today’s conversation: Macklemore aka The Corn God aka Yung Vaseline Hair. This is..
Why Macklemore Is Trash.
3000 years ago, on a planet called “Cornucopia,” there was a corn field. In this corn field lied a special plant that all of the other groups of corn (scientifically known as “corn-balls,”) called “the corn god.” The corn god styled his hair with Vaseline, and had really dry lips all the time, so he was a sad type of guy. Being sad all the time, the corn god wrote a bunch of unimpressive raps that he would share with all the corns in the field. The corns were impressed with how unimpressive his raps were and encouraged the corn god to go share his bullshit with the rest of the universe (Thanks, Seattle.) It was with this motivation the corn god hired the professional help of the corn-sorcerer only known as “Reeyanloowis.” These two would go onto make the corniest corn on the cob music in the history of the planet cornucopia, with corn-ball hits such as “Thrift Shop” (a song about going to the Thrift Shop) and “Downtown” (a song about going Downtown). These two menaces found their way to earth only a few years ago with the use of their corn fuel based environmentally friendly spaceshit, and the rest is history. (This has to be the plot for the next Men In Black Movie.)
Macklemore is the person the mainstream thinks of nowadays when you mention the words “rap,” or “hip-hop.” He is the epitome of the word “fuck.” Ya boy, being the hip-hop connoisseur he is (he also speaks in the third-person, sweg) gets really salty when he hears Conrncklemores name. It’s like when you lose a game of NBA 2K13 by 1 point, and the guy who you lost to has the audacity to stare you in the eyes for 2 minutes and just smile. He is everything that is wrong with the rap game today. He’s that one guy who shows up to the party in a Tommy Bahamas floral shirt asking for wine coolers while simultaneously asking the DJ to play Pitbull. Fuck that guy.
Now, If you’ve read this far, you’ve probably noticed that I have not given any proper reasons as to why Macklemore is corny or as to why he’s a fucky McFuckboy; finna hit you with them right now doe.
Well, there’s actually only one reason. He’s trying to make hip-hop fuckin family-friendly. He’s trying to take the strip club and turn it into a chuck-e-cheese. He’s making suburban struggle raps, while crafting fucking corn embryos like “thrift shop.” Now don’t get me wrong, Macklemore is successful and I respect him for that… It’s just that his music is a singular fuck.
Now, I’d be okay with him doing what he does, if he never apologized to the homie Kendrick Lamar after winning the Grammy award for “best hip hop shit,” or something like that, however; when you start to apologize for fucking the game up, but then come back again, and still try to fuck the game up some more, you’re a complete and utter blowjob.